TV series week!

These days I’ve been busying to complete my homework. Never thought I’ll have holiday homework since SPM examination ended last year. You’ll never get what you desire. That’s what happened in my world, a world that never seems logic in people’s eyes. What they saw from the appearance is not the real image of me. People only see the glory part of me, but behind the glory lays a wretched life. No one will ever care about what is behind success.  Time pass with no mercy, a year ended which leads another year come. How I wish that tomorrow never show up. In just few days, my life will change into a routine, study and study and study. Due to the most important exam in my life, a turning point that will decide whether I will stay at the same origin or move far away from the point—STPM.

            That is a very tough exam, unlike SPM, this exam are more challenging and difficult to tackle. Miss a word and you’ll lose marks, a wrong step in calculation makes you suffer, misunderstanding the question in test and you’re done, and many others small mistakes leads to greater loss. I’m totally stressed with all this so called “rules”, I don’t know what to do and how to do. Every test or exams just made me crazy, nearly became insane. Holiday are leaving me each day the sun set, and I still haven’t finished my homework. Many problems need to solve and I’m kind of lazy. Listen to radio and watching “The Mentalist” helps me to relax. But the problems still there, unsolved. Hate to say this!

            Forget about the brain-torture things, I watch The Mentalist Season 3 and Jane really made me angry at first episode where he was fanatic with Red John again. He just cared about Christina and don’t even want to join Lisbon team to solve murder cases. Screw up! Then he just had to help Lisbon. Thank you, director for setting Christina free from Red John. Then Jane would stop his abnormal behavior a while. Patrick Jane is a really funny and brilliant man with his psychology skills. I always hope that he and Lisbon will end up together but I understand why director didn’t make them up, if they were together, there’ll be no more hilarious conversation between them, because a couple need trust for each other. Lisbon will never say: “Never.”.  What a brilliant tv series. Way to go, Bruno Heller!    

            Fringe Season 3 just made me fond of it with every single episode, I can feel my adrenalin spread all over my body each time the climax was on the top of storyline. Since Bolivia switch with Olivia, I hate her every time she approach Peter. Olivia was trapped in another universe and Walternate convince her that she is Bolivia in Episode 1. Luckily, Olivia manage to escape back to her real universe and Bolivia too, back to her own position. But poor Olivia had to accept that Peter actually had a relationship with Bolivia. Tension filled her home and she hated everything Bolivia left in her own house. Olivia, you’ll have your revenge on Bolivia someday, I hope.

            Merlin Season 3 ended with the episode “The Coming Of Arthur”, where Morgause died, killed by Gaius and Morgana varnish with her dead body. That suits her well enough after what she planned for Camelot. Evilly ruled Camelot with no mercy, Morgana killed some innocent civilians to make the knights give their loyalty. Merlin was able to find Excalibur with the help of Dragon and destroyed the Cup of Life, making the immortal army of Morgana ruined into ashes. But she escaped to somewhere, left Camelot for Arthur to rule. Merlin hides Excalibur in the middle of forest in the end, as he promised the Dragon to do so. The end. I’m quite shocked that the whole season only have 13 episodes. Left me no option but just hope that Season 4 will soon begin.

            Well, since my holiday are about to fall to the bottom line, I rushed to watch The Mentalist each day few episodes in the row. Like my sister said, I am acting like the world end tomorrow. I’m pleased with her phrase. So, that’s my diary for last week. Thanks for reading. For those who cares about me, I’m sincerely thank you, my dear.                   

I'm in miseries!!!

The weather was not so good when I woke up, it seem as if the clouds were made of sponges and they were full with rain water. I was right when the rain drops started to fall. I didn’t felt like doing any homework but the due date was coming. I don’t know why and how to put myself together. Frustration stayed in my head for no reasons. I kept thinking about why my life became so hopeless and meaningless. My third sister finished her STPM exam already, so my mother planned a plan. She was saying about how to do if my second sister gets work in KL and my third sister gets local universities in other states. Mom asking if I can survive on my own when she went to KL, she was asking for my opinion and I frowned at her.  She said it was just an idea and never let me stay here alone. I knew why.

            It’s not that I can’t live without her, I went to National Service before and I lived my awful life there without single family. But my problem would be transport. I still cannot drive my Kembara, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because my practicing time table. I can tell you it’s been a long time since my last driving lesson.  My second sister and I wasn’t so friendly anymore, she always picked on my weakness in home and never stayed in my shoe. For almost a month she didn’t talk to me, neither she wanted to teach me driving. Then my third sister also not willing to teach me, she gave excuses such as she is not a good teacher, no time, haven’t buy insurances and etceteras. Life became so complicated for me to hang on. I had to find a way to go to school next year. My second sister now took a part time job and she won’t be able to teach me car anymore. Now I’m burden with new problem. How am I supposed to go to school next year? Walking , bus or car pooling friends. None of those is what I want. I really want to drive to school on my own. But nobody wanted to teach me!!!  

            And my tons and tons of homework? Forget about it, this is the phrase I always told myself. Let other people finished those projects. I’m tired until I’m willing to be punished or get scolded by teacher if the project failed to be handed in. I don’t know why I became like this, maybe it’s because I am really sick. Sick of my life. The life that never suits me well, the life that I have to settle each time I was wounded by my own family, relative and friends. I always imagine about others life. Do they feel what I feel? Do they get so much battle and challenges? I just wanted a smooth life, that is very hard to give me, isn’t it?

            Speaking of wounded, I have another so funny story. Imagined that your SPM scored all A’s in every subjects, then your relatives congratulate you. After a few months, they came back and saw you in your house studying for Form 6. Whoa, then they would say: “Oh my god, look who’s here? I thought you can get matriculation or JPA scholarship.” Then you grimaced, “I didn’t get it.”The most hurtful phrases, “What? My relatives’ son gets with just 7 A’s or 8 A’s.” What is your feeling? I’m fine, I’m good, and I’m hundred percent okay with that. Seeing the people with lesser A’s got offered, I was thinking I don’t have to fight till death for SPM, no matter how good am I, I still stay at the same place. Take yourself as a point on an arc of a circle, no matter how you oscillate in the arc, you still back to the origin point. Funny huh? I thought so.

            Recently, I’ve been listening to a song entitled, Mean. I like the song, not because it is Taylor Swift’s song. But I am attracted to the lyrics. It says, “Someday, I’ll be living in a big folk city. And all you’re ever got to be is mean. Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me, all you’re ever got to be is mean.” I felt these phrases are meaningful although I don’t really know what made her thinks like that. Every single celebrity is full of their own life challenges stories, not like a few that only knew how to become famous with their parents influence. Those are like ice in a fridge, their parents are the big icy fridge, once they are outside their parents’ eyes or away from the fridge, they will melt. Just like putting ice into water, the ice melt within few minutes. Real life is like water, and we need to fight with our own to ensure that we are really capable to swim to through it. And I’m on my way to break myself from it. I’ve always trusted that faith is in my own hand, I am the one who decided my destiny, not the God or others. One day, I’ll prove that my theory is right.  

            See? My problems which stuck in my head from the very first day I was completely off duty as a volunteer in Cheng Ho Expo. They never get solved but kept increasing everyday!!! Somebody just take me out from my misery. Kill me or I’ll suffer for another minute. I can’t stand it anymore. Headache is killing me slowly. Pressure is controlling my life in silent. No medicine to cure. Poisons were the only way to get me heals. Should I take it? I’m wondering the same question every single minute. But I just can’t stand losing my life to them. I’ll wait for the right moment to end this once for all.      

Wretched.

It was almost two weeks I could not surf the internet. First I thought it’s my modem fault, and then I went to cyber café and searched for clues or more correctly, the solution. Then I found the related problem faced by other streamyx user too. Luckily he got post the ways so I copied down. I never thought the problem would be getting worst instead of better. The line became unconnected and my effort was useless. Okay, then I finally gave myself enough courage to dial 100. A female voiced was all I heard, with those useless steps that I tried before, just that I did not tell her. Same procedure leads me to nothing. I thought she must be very annoyed by my problem so she decided to give up and told me to call again if the internet still not working.

            Next day 8.30 in the morning, I was in my bed before an annoying phone rang awaked me. My mom answered but she just thrown the phone to me. Can you imagined me, with sleepy mind answered Kelantan Malay? Oh my god, I did not pay any attention and just told him my location, he startled me by telling he will arrived soon. This really set me awaked and I rushed to prepare myself as soon as phone was off my hand. It was almost 11.15 am when two guys came with their TmNet van. They really pissed me off my temper. One young and the other was considered to be old. The younger male worked with my line and the old one just mumbling some words that I did not fathom. It took them an hour before they decided to replace my modem with a new one. Damn it, they also change to wireless. Great! But my PC still won’t work and they just know to say they were hungry. Man, if you have your lunch a bit late you won’t die immediately, besides your fatty acid were used up, wasn’t this more helpful? They gave up and said laptop could be used also and quickly left.

            I settled my pc as soon as they were gone, and it worked out. I can take their salary already. Why the wantan always behave like pig but the truth is they hated pig? I don’t why either. Then a few weeks before my house had been washed up by tsunami, mom got angry about second sister’s jobless status. She actually told me to give up Form 6 and took teacher course next year!!! My God, is she too upset or it’s my ears problem? Gave up Form 6 after I’ve studied for almost half year?!? Great! And I could see it in her eyes that she meant for it. I just took her advice in my ears but not in heart. I knew I’ll made things worst if I intended to be objective.

            Now here’s another problem, my insects, I really didn’t know what will happen tomorrow. Things weren’t as smooth as I thought, some been eaten by rat or went missing without a trace. No one was willing to sacrifice their time for this project; they were up to their own plan, gone for holiday, vacation. I knew it is holiday now but you still can have another longer holiday after STPM. Stick to our project!!! Everything was done by me and I’m honestly tired about it. I walked to somewhere to catch them and then walked to school. After that I had to walk back home again. I’m a human not a robot!!! I have my feelings. When people went to bio lab with their group members, I was so irritated. Why my group members weren’t on my side? Is this a lone project or I’m a person with six heads and six bodies? Transport was the biggest problem that I’d always headache about. I thought I’ve solve that by adding HK to our group but it seems that he was useless. Not so volunteering at all. At this moment, I hate myself for unable to drive. Thinking about this drive me insane!

            Too many frustrations in my head, why my life could not be just perfect as others? If I have my dad on my side, things would never be like this. He will fetch me whenever I want to go; he will teach me how to drive; he will be my supporter against my mom’s will which demanding me to become a teacher; he will stay at night and watch me read books; he will compliment me when I success. But all this “he will” ends on the day he left us. I will never get to hear or see him again. I’m a lonely traveler on my road now. I have no others but myself. No one that can be trusted on my journey to success, no one that can be count on.