暗恋真辛苦......囧

最近，我遇见了一件让我很心疼的事。

一对同事，A和B，在朝夕相对之下，A对B动了心，可是B却对C产生爱意，A知道后，很委屈自己的拼命撮合B和C，可是过后A从C口中得知C没心情要谈恋爱，让A十分可怜B，因为B在愚人节当天选择向C表白却失败。A很想帮B，却害怕失去B，一直在逼自己不要管这么多，A真的很痛苦，连我也听见了也心疼A的笨和痴心。

我认为A应该向B表白，可是A太自卑，认为C比她更适合B，所以选择放手，动情容易，忘情难，我唯有支持A，开导她未来她会遇到更好的人，虽然这理由很烂，但是总比没说好......

好烦哦！

最近真的很累了，被人怀疑的感觉真难受，信任这一关，真的很难过。

呆在店里的这几周，我看见了不同的人，尤其是那些顾客，有些真的很难搞，不是欠钱不要还，就是上门大骂我一番，有时候，真的就想立刻离职，告诉老板，我不干了！老板整天不在店，现在还有怪叔叔帮忙，等到下个月他不干时，我才真倒霉......

接下来，就是烦恼要进大学的事，成绩烂透底，没奖学金，连要的科目也达不到要求，简直是绝望，回想自己拼死拼活的努力，最后换来的不是血汗成果，而是烂水果，心里很不忿，但我又能如何，只能怨自己不够努力，自己笨。

有些人，你看他不起眼，但其实他很厉害，懂的很多，虽然书读不多，但知识渊博，经验丰富，可人就是有缺点，他不会伸出援手，尤其当他认为那是你的事时；他不喜欢教人，总爱叫你先学习，不懂再问，他没耐心，问多会烦会发脾气，除非他搭讪你，问什么他都教，忍耐度扩大。这就是从我的观点描述的怪叔叔......

我不曾相信星座，可是自从遇见湘妮，我开始翻看这些东西，魔蝎和处女，确实很合！我和她谈得来，想法一致，互相信任，最感动就是，当钱不见时，她第一个说：“我相信你！”其实我需要的，不是一大堆有的没的分析，而是一句简单的“我相信你”，就够了。她跟我三姐平岁，为人幽默活泼，有她在，我一定不寂寞不孤独，至少我不是空气了。

 小的淑慧外表让人觉得他很嚣张，不过认识她后，你会改观！她没表面上的冷漠，而是活泼可爱又疯癫贪玩的丫头。她喜欢玩电脑网络游戏，声音走调但喜欢唱歌，而且这世上，她只有两个听众，她的男朋友和我本人了。她吵时会很吵，静下来时会有很奇怪的气氛，真的不知她静或吵之间，哪个状况才好？

今天就到此为止，我要找周公去了，晚安......

I'm not a thief!!!

How could that be logical? That is what I'm thinking in my mind when people don't believe me. What happened really got a bang towards head and I was like an empty bottle, lost my balance and crushed onto the floor. Falling into pieces, bits by bits...

The money in the registration form clapping together in the file were gone?!? How did that happened? I didn't even noticed, until Tracy wanted to claim the money. Three registration papers without upfront payment, I am the one who receive the money, sign my signature on it, and that make me a suspect? Even worst, I thought those people who I claimed to be "friends" who were supposed to stay at my side and back up me, turned their back on me?!? Just because I opened the shop at 9.45am, closed the door at 10pm, alone in the shop for morning shift, sit at the counter doing payment and admin work, which made me a perfect crime suspect?

Yes, I'm not very advanced in my work, but that doesn't make me forget about my status, all my hardwork just varnished into thin air, all the friendship just suddenly sink into the bottom of ocean where nothing but darkness waiting below? I always gave myself a high rank in trust worthy among working mates, but what I heard today was an atomic bomb right onto my face! Not even one people said they trusted me but Xiang Nee. NOBODY! Well, this is what I get when I gave up my off day just to come and opened the shop at morning, get scolded by my mom and sisters for not taking my result just because shop no people guard, this is what I get?!?

Felt unappreciated, but not trusted by people is worst than everything, after all these hardwork, after all these days spending time together, after all these sacrificing, what I get is just some crap and hurting words? Damn it, I am quitting this job if I am the one who had to pay the lost money, I'm innocent!!! Gratefully thank to Sheryn for the consolation as well as Xiang Nee who is the first and only one who said in out loud that I'm innocent.

I'm sooooo angry!

For all these days I've tried my best to avoid any unwanted argue with him, but he just couldn't let me through! Okay, if he wants to go against Ms Chua, fine, you can have your way, but not by picking my fault as well when I'm doing job for her! It's not just about Ms Chua, but the attitude he used to treat me. Yes, I admit I help Ms Chua did some paperwork, but all those papers and tables are meant for MontiJaya as well, not for P1 company! I've put all my effort into this company but in the end, instead of appreciating my work, he insulted me in a way which I never expect he will do!

I'm human being, I know when to call stop, I'm not a soft toy where people can play me the way they wanted! Yes, I said I would help her with all the work which aren't mine at all, but those piles of nonsense paper he called are all vital procedures where our company needed to become more systematic. I'm better than him, doing nothing at the office but wanted a high salary, in the end, he chosen the money and decided to walk away from the company just because of his salary get reduced in way where he didn't expected!

I don't want to argue with him, neither do I want to talk with him, he is so mean towards me, I never harm him  in any way but he just insult me with those words?!? Damn it.

That was close...

On Monday, I went to work at 10.30am as usual, manager brought the four of us, which are Mirah, Shu Hui, Xiang Nee and me to rove from home to home at Kebakat again because we received a call from a customer stating he is interested to register P1, of course we quickly arrived there as we may get one sale from him. After explaining all the rules and regulation, he finally agree to register  with us, thank God...

There are many stray dogs at the area, so Mirah was quite scared and she stays at a close range with manager, but he always like to scare her by saying:"Kawan kamu tu Mirah..." then he would laugh when she tremble with fear. After that, we went to roving at nearby area before settling down in Tesco for lunch. As usual, manager paid the bill but I refused to accept his treat by went to a stall nearby and bought a wafer which cost me RM4.20 with a cup of Milo. A very expensive lunch...

After lunch, manager drove the car to a renovation site where a new yacht settled in water. The five of us went on board the yacht and took some pictures before leaving and heading to Salor Pasir Mas, manager lost in the middle of traffic and luckily he used his GPS... No sale made at here so we change our course to Peringat near Bachok, at there we encountered with several stray dogs but still with no sale. Then manager took us to Tok Bali and enjoyed some coconut drink with fried food. The air was so cool and relaxing, I couldn't recall the last time I actually went to the beach with my family, it was almost 10 years I think...

Then, manager realized the fuel tank almost empty, we were so scared it would end up like last time where the car engine couldn't be ignited again! Plus, the road was starting to jam with cars. But we were able to reach a gas station and I was muttering: That was close!

Battery problem...

Just want to share my experience...

On last Friday, after roving, manager treated us roti canai at Morak, near Kebakat there. That day, Xiang Nee absent as her grandma was hospitalized, so I was left with Shu Hui, Mirah and Miejah. Because the roving car was modificated, it has power supply(can plug electronic equipment) and it's connected to car battery. When we left the car, Mirah told manager not to turned off the modem  with the power supply as she wanted to online and log in FB, so the switch wasn't off. After half an hour, around 8.45pm, we finished the dinner and ready to leave Morak and returned to KBmall PC Fair, then, EPIC MOMENT!

THE CAR CANNOT START!!! Yup, manager wasn't able to start the car, the engine just won't ignite, in the middle of night, with nobody known, and boss away from KB, we're done... Luckily Shu Hui called her dad who worked as a foreman, he tried to come as soon as she called. Then Shu Hui and me sat at the back of the truck and started to act crazy as the wind blow with Shu Hui shouting: "P1 wimax, P1wimax!", it was dark and many mosquitoes. Uncle arrived in less than half an hour and charged the battery of the car, the engine did ignite! Thank God... But he told our manager the car will not start again if we off the engine again. So, our manager had to send us home first, hahaha~ I reached home around 10pm-11pm...

This was just the second day I work but already faced such funny incident...

Employed...

Finally, I found a job, at least I'm not jobless and there's hope for me to save money and buy a laptop with my own effort, I feel great! At first, I thought I wouldn't be accepted because it was a terrible interview...

I remembered that day, when I'm surfing internet, suddenly I felt so useless, there's no hope in finding any job. But then my sister told me about the newly opened shop with 'Help Wanted' paper shown on the glass door, so I decided to strive my best, without hesitation, I stepped into the shop and asked for job, then the boss interviewed me on the spot, his first question made me speechless... What do you know about P1 wimax? I searched through my mind but nothing came into my thought, so I answered generally, he laughed and explained to me, then as usual, he continued to ask about myself and finally, he asked me to wait for his call. I gave up when I reached home, reviewing my own answers to his questions.

To my surprise, he did message me and told me to join the training tomorrow, so I showed up on time, 10.30am. I saw two other girl sitting there and then manager came to educate us about P1 wimax, it was what I feared the most, a job as a salesman! I wanted to quit on the spot but I manage to hold myself. I make friends with the other two girls, Shu Hui and Xiang Nee, we get along soon after the 1pm break for lunch. 2pm, I returned to the shop and was asked to change into P1 uniform, BECAUSE WE'RE GOING ROVING!!! Gosh, first day but already going to sale...

We went to Kampung Cina, manager drove the car and three of us sitting behind,whereas another Malay girl, Mirah sat in front. Due to the presence of many stray dogs, manager change our destination to PCB. We actually went to PCB to eat some food and have some drinks because our transmission station somehow didn't emit any signal (that means no sales). Manager offered to treat us beverages but three of us refused to order one. After a few round of roving from home to home, we're sent back to shop, but also being told that the next day we'll need to distribute flyers at Kbmall as PC Fair was held three days starting the next day! There goes the boring and felt neglected day, people saw you as money vacuum, avoiding you as far as they can! I mean, come on! We're just doing work...

But when the manager saw no sales at all in KBmall, he decided to go roving after lunch, wow! GREAT... So, for three days, on morning we stayed at KBmall, at afternoon we went roving at Kebakat. Roving also didn't seem working, people just don't accept our brochure, some even treated you as if you're crazy.

Tired days, and I hope I could hold onto this work...

CNY...

CNY ended in just a flash, I still remember how busy am I, helping mom in the kitchen, cooking the dishes for some traditional purposes, then cleaning the house was the most exhausting part, such a big house but just 3 peoples to clean it... While visiting the relatives home, I realize how old am I comparing to the youngsters, they've all grown up, even taller than me, some become more mature and prettier than the last time I saw them.

The most memorable moments were the time where my sisters and I joking together along the journey to our destinations, making fun of other drivers with their stupid actions, and more. How I miss them a lot! Time flies as my eldest sister will return to KL tomorrow, lucky for my third sister, she'll return to Penang on 19th of Feb, still have plenty of time.

Well, that's all for last week, time to search for job again... New Year new hope, I hope I'm lucky enough...

Latest

In just a few days, Chinese New Year will come, and pass in just a few days too. Life is very boring, in my case, all I do is just online, watch drama, then watch tv, after that, I’m on my bed sleeping again. The effort to find job is beginning to fade in me, I am no longer eager to take any step, no matter how hard I try, I just stumble or trip over, while others easily get it without putting much effort, sometimes, I really wonder, what is wrong with me? But nobody answer my question.

I felt awkward when I went to shopping with my mom and sister, others were happily buying the stuff needed to celebrate Chinese New Year, while all I did was just pushing the trolley, following my mum, I hate the way people looked at me, they must be wondering why I had a long face, it’s Chinese New Year, yet, I behave like I don’t care.

Yes, I don’t care! I’ll never have a true reunion, why should I be happy? People always get what they want, and I always get what people don’t want, so when they’re happy, I should be sad, and I will be sad. For a pessimistic, I’m quite optimistic. That’s what I am, and who I am.

Of course, I will not spoil others mood, enjoy your very own Chinese New Year, with all your family members with you. About friends gathering, I don’t think I can make it, sorry guys, no reason, just plainly refusing, frankly speaking, I also don’t know, but it is the way I want. Hope you all have a nice moment.

I found an interesting phrase in a song, it goes like this, ‘Since the Lord doesn’t show sympathy toward our hardship, then we shall never easily give up to our written destiny.’ Very inspiring words, let’s see whether the Lord wins, or I’ll live my own story instead of His chosen path for me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Useless

My life is very dull, not to mention about finding a job. All of them just wanted to hire a permanent worker, that is what I can’t promise. Watching other living their life so good, even better than me, it felt hurt in someway, making me felt useless. Don’t know what awaits me in future, but what I see, is just a blur vision of my own.

If the alternate world exists, I would like to look into the alternate version of me, whether she is the same with me, having a same boring life, or she is living a wonderful and happy life. And if her father still alive, in another life, which is completely different from mine, at least she didn’t suffer like me. If I could make a switch, I surely will. We’ll make a deal when to return back to our identity, when to have a switch, it would be fun!

Sometimes, I thought of having a party, where people dance till morning with the music playing by DJ. Silly, but I really want to feel that atmosphere. Imagine it is killing me, how I want a western life. Teenagers playing without following the rules, just like Katy Perry’s song ‘TGIF’, would that be fun? Then heavy rain join us, wow, dancing in the rain, everything I wanted so much never come true, maybe it is best to remain an imaginary dream in my head.

Well, I’ve been thinking about what course to study, but I doubted my results, for information, STPM is nothing compared to SPM, it is way too tough, but somehow a little easier than university test, I guess. For those who chosen their life path, I really salute them as they found their direction, I’m lost on my own mind, who knows what the future holds, one wrong step and we’re done. I remember the poem studied, ‘The Road Not Taken’, different choices leads to different future, BUT sometimes, different choices leads to same fate. That’s unexplainable.

Actually what I want to be is kind of impossible for me, I’m not pretty, not slender, not famous, not intelligent, not talented, I’m just an ordinary, translucent, unattractive human being, I believe the number of people who actually really saw me in their eyes were not more than the number of my fingers and toes. Funny but true, others don’t have to tell me, but I know from their rolling eyes, I’m an eyesore for them.

This is what I got for today, good night.

I've tried my best!

I don’t know why but I can’t find any jobs or people who want to hire me, all they want is permanent workers! I hate this very much. Then the bread and cake shop opposite my house wanted to hire a cashier, I was very happy, when I called, she said it was occupied! Damn it! Then my mom thought I’m not trying my best to find a job, what the hell! I’m trying so hard yet she accused me for doing nothing, crap!

There’s a lot of job out there, but nobody want to hire me, is that my fault to be blame? I’m frustrated too, I really need to earn money, to buy laptop, to sustain my life in university, because my mother told me, she will be fair to our sisters, since my oldest sister, or more accurately, after my father passed away, my sisters didn’t asked money from my mom to live their university life, so do I.

The employer wouldn’t know how bad I wish to beg them have mercy in me, but know, they will never listen to these crap. The days in home were very hard for me, making me felt useless, when my mom scolded me, it hurt badly, but there’s nothing I can do, if 2012 is the year where the world ends, I pray hardly so that day came as soon as possible, so I don’t have to suffer anymore.

I don’t blame my mom, because she cares for me, but she can’t be selfish, she need to be fair to all her daughters. I had a very tough life, and I knew out there somewhere, there are others who suffer tougher fate than me, so I’m contented. After a hurricane, comes a rainbow. On day, my life will burn like firework, spread across the sky, brightly and beautiful.