CNY...

CNY ended in just a flash, I still remember how busy am I, helping mom in the kitchen, cooking the dishes for some traditional purposes, then cleaning the house was the most exhausting part, such a big house but just 3 peoples to clean it... While visiting the relatives home, I realize how old am I comparing to the youngsters, they've all grown up, even taller than me, some become more mature and prettier than the last time I saw them.

The most memorable moments were the time where my sisters and I joking together along the journey to our destinations, making fun of other drivers with their stupid actions, and more. How I miss them a lot! Time flies as my eldest sister will return to KL tomorrow, lucky for my third sister, she'll return to Penang on 19th of Feb, still have plenty of time.

Well, that's all for last week, time to search for job again... New Year new hope, I hope I'm lucky enough...

Latest

In just a few days, Chinese New Year will come, and pass in just a few days too. Life is very boring, in my case, all I do is just online, watch drama, then watch tv, after that, I’m on my bed sleeping again. The effort to find job is beginning to fade in me, I am no longer eager to take any step, no matter how hard I try, I just stumble or trip over, while others easily get it without putting much effort, sometimes, I really wonder, what is wrong with me? But nobody answer my question.

I felt awkward when I went to shopping with my mom and sister, others were happily buying the stuff needed to celebrate Chinese New Year, while all I did was just pushing the trolley, following my mum, I hate the way people looked at me, they must be wondering why I had a long face, it’s Chinese New Year, yet, I behave like I don’t care.

Yes, I don’t care! I’ll never have a true reunion, why should I be happy? People always get what they want, and I always get what people don’t want, so when they’re happy, I should be sad, and I will be sad. For a pessimistic, I’m quite optimistic. That’s what I am, and who I am.

Of course, I will not spoil others mood, enjoy your very own Chinese New Year, with all your family members with you. About friends gathering, I don’t think I can make it, sorry guys, no reason, just plainly refusing, frankly speaking, I also don’t know, but it is the way I want. Hope you all have a nice moment.

I found an interesting phrase in a song, it goes like this, ‘Since the Lord doesn’t show sympathy toward our hardship, then we shall never easily give up to our written destiny.’ Very inspiring words, let’s see whether the Lord wins, or I’ll live my own story instead of His chosen path for me.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Useless

My life is very dull, not to mention about finding a job. All of them just wanted to hire a permanent worker, that is what I can’t promise. Watching other living their life so good, even better than me, it felt hurt in someway, making me felt useless. Don’t know what awaits me in future, but what I see, is just a blur vision of my own.

If the alternate world exists, I would like to look into the alternate version of me, whether she is the same with me, having a same boring life, or she is living a wonderful and happy life. And if her father still alive, in another life, which is completely different from mine, at least she didn’t suffer like me. If I could make a switch, I surely will. We’ll make a deal when to return back to our identity, when to have a switch, it would be fun!

Sometimes, I thought of having a party, where people dance till morning with the music playing by DJ. Silly, but I really want to feel that atmosphere. Imagine it is killing me, how I want a western life. Teenagers playing without following the rules, just like Katy Perry’s song ‘TGIF’, would that be fun? Then heavy rain join us, wow, dancing in the rain, everything I wanted so much never come true, maybe it is best to remain an imaginary dream in my head.

Well, I’ve been thinking about what course to study, but I doubted my results, for information, STPM is nothing compared to SPM, it is way too tough, but somehow a little easier than university test, I guess. For those who chosen their life path, I really salute them as they found their direction, I’m lost on my own mind, who knows what the future holds, one wrong step and we’re done. I remember the poem studied, ‘The Road Not Taken’, different choices leads to different future, BUT sometimes, different choices leads to same fate. That’s unexplainable.

Actually what I want to be is kind of impossible for me, I’m not pretty, not slender, not famous, not intelligent, not talented, I’m just an ordinary, translucent, unattractive human being, I believe the number of people who actually really saw me in their eyes were not more than the number of my fingers and toes. Funny but true, others don’t have to tell me, but I know from their rolling eyes, I’m an eyesore for them.

This is what I got for today, good night.

I've tried my best!

I don’t know why but I can’t find any jobs or people who want to hire me, all they want is permanent workers! I hate this very much. Then the bread and cake shop opposite my house wanted to hire a cashier, I was very happy, when I called, she said it was occupied! Damn it! Then my mom thought I’m not trying my best to find a job, what the hell! I’m trying so hard yet she accused me for doing nothing, crap!

There’s a lot of job out there, but nobody want to hire me, is that my fault to be blame? I’m frustrated too, I really need to earn money, to buy laptop, to sustain my life in university, because my mother told me, she will be fair to our sisters, since my oldest sister, or more accurately, after my father passed away, my sisters didn’t asked money from my mom to live their university life, so do I.

The employer wouldn’t know how bad I wish to beg them have mercy in me, but know, they will never listen to these crap. The days in home were very hard for me, making me felt useless, when my mom scolded me, it hurt badly, but there’s nothing I can do, if 2012 is the year where the world ends, I pray hardly so that day came as soon as possible, so I don’t have to suffer anymore.

I don’t blame my mom, because she cares for me, but she can’t be selfish, she need to be fair to all her daughters. I had a very tough life, and I knew out there somewhere, there are others who suffer tougher fate than me, so I’m contented. After a hurricane, comes a rainbow. On day, my life will burn like firework, spread across the sky, brightly and beautiful.