I'm in miseries!!!

The weather was not so good when I woke up, it seem as if the clouds were made of sponges and they were full with rain water. I was right when the rain drops started to fall. I didn’t felt like doing any homework but the due date was coming. I don’t know why and how to put myself together. Frustration stayed in my head for no reasons. I kept thinking about why my life became so hopeless and meaningless. My third sister finished her STPM exam already, so my mother planned a plan. She was saying about how to do if my second sister gets work in KL and my third sister gets local universities in other states. Mom asking if I can survive on my own when she went to KL, she was asking for my opinion and I frowned at her.  She said it was just an idea and never let me stay here alone. I knew why.

            It’s not that I can’t live without her, I went to National Service before and I lived my awful life there without single family. But my problem would be transport. I still cannot drive my Kembara, I don’t know why. Maybe it’s because my practicing time table. I can tell you it’s been a long time since my last driving lesson.  My second sister and I wasn’t so friendly anymore, she always picked on my weakness in home and never stayed in my shoe. For almost a month she didn’t talk to me, neither she wanted to teach me driving. Then my third sister also not willing to teach me, she gave excuses such as she is not a good teacher, no time, haven’t buy insurances and etceteras. Life became so complicated for me to hang on. I had to find a way to go to school next year. My second sister now took a part time job and she won’t be able to teach me car anymore. Now I’m burden with new problem. How am I supposed to go to school next year? Walking , bus or car pooling friends. None of those is what I want. I really want to drive to school on my own. But nobody wanted to teach me!!!  

            And my tons and tons of homework? Forget about it, this is the phrase I always told myself. Let other people finished those projects. I’m tired until I’m willing to be punished or get scolded by teacher if the project failed to be handed in. I don’t know why I became like this, maybe it’s because I am really sick. Sick of my life. The life that never suits me well, the life that I have to settle each time I was wounded by my own family, relative and friends. I always imagine about others life. Do they feel what I feel? Do they get so much battle and challenges? I just wanted a smooth life, that is very hard to give me, isn’t it?

            Speaking of wounded, I have another so funny story. Imagined that your SPM scored all A’s in every subjects, then your relatives congratulate you. After a few months, they came back and saw you in your house studying for Form 6. Whoa, then they would say: “Oh my god, look who’s here? I thought you can get matriculation or JPA scholarship.” Then you grimaced, “I didn’t get it.”The most hurtful phrases, “What? My relatives’ son gets with just 7 A’s or 8 A’s.” What is your feeling? I’m fine, I’m good, and I’m hundred percent okay with that. Seeing the people with lesser A’s got offered, I was thinking I don’t have to fight till death for SPM, no matter how good am I, I still stay at the same place. Take yourself as a point on an arc of a circle, no matter how you oscillate in the arc, you still back to the origin point. Funny huh? I thought so.

            Recently, I’ve been listening to a song entitled, Mean. I like the song, not because it is Taylor Swift’s song. But I am attracted to the lyrics. It says, “Someday, I’ll be living in a big folk city. And all you’re ever got to be is mean. Someday, I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me, all you’re ever got to be is mean.” I felt these phrases are meaningful although I don’t really know what made her thinks like that. Every single celebrity is full of their own life challenges stories, not like a few that only knew how to become famous with their parents influence. Those are like ice in a fridge, their parents are the big icy fridge, once they are outside their parents’ eyes or away from the fridge, they will melt. Just like putting ice into water, the ice melt within few minutes. Real life is like water, and we need to fight with our own to ensure that we are really capable to swim to through it. And I’m on my way to break myself from it. I’ve always trusted that faith is in my own hand, I am the one who decided my destiny, not the God or others. One day, I’ll prove that my theory is right.  

            See? My problems which stuck in my head from the very first day I was completely off duty as a volunteer in Cheng Ho Expo. They never get solved but kept increasing everyday!!! Somebody just take me out from my misery. Kill me or I’ll suffer for another minute. I can’t stand it anymore. Headache is killing me slowly. Pressure is controlling my life in silent. No medicine to cure. Poisons were the only way to get me heals. Should I take it? I’m wondering the same question every single minute. But I just can’t stand losing my life to them. I’ll wait for the right moment to end this once for all.